I proably should keep this to myself...

2 AM can be a lonely time, I'm realizing...the problem with blogging when you're feeling tired or bummed is that because it's a snapshot of a particular moment, that emotion tends to kind of hold it's place and the experience is artificially drawn out for anyone following the blog (at least until a week goes by and I remember to post again).

This time of night is one of the few times when I'm able to really unpack and examine all of the little tangents my mind hasn't gotten a chance to really mull over due to the schedule I keep; unfortunately, tonight's going to be a bit of a downer. Just giving you fair warning.
You've caught me somewhere between simple melancholy and teen-angst (although it isn't severe enough to have me writing bad poetry. Count your blessings).

I caught Spiderman 3 tonight, and I think I was almost sure I didn't dislike it.
It was okay. Seriously, I really wanted to get enthralled by the plot. I gave it my best shot, honest; however, after having previously watched Tobey get his butt kicked all over the place in the other two movies (along with that one side of Spidey's face mask ripped off- only and always in the final battle. That's a rule), I think I walked into the theater a bit jaded to the whole experience.

(Oooo....Johnny Cash just made it on my play list..."Hurt," if you're curious)

Anyway, on the way home I thought about what that black suit might have represented. I know it's just a movie, but it got me thinking about all the times in the past few weeks where I've really felt like throwing in the towel on being good all the time (well, as good as I can manage to be, that is...). Not to the point of beating people up and making Stephanie cry, mind you, but all the same, there are times when I seriously wonder why I try so hard.

What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end

I probably-no, scratch that, I definitely - don't have the experience under my belt to even begin to know the full depth of that line, but all the same, a part of it resonates with me. That whole acceptance of the simple fact that people let us down. I let them down, and they let me down. Fact of life. And yet, cognitively knowing that still hasn't gotten me to the point where I can take it completely in stride.
I mean, I get tired sometimes. Ministry is tough. Relationships are tough. Not complaining. Just an observation.
And the truth is, there are times when I wonder if it's worth it.
Yeah, I know guys who work at church are supposed to be superhuman and all that, but let's table that for a minute and be real, because sometimes life feels like a raw deal. I'll get a video request seemingly thrown at me at the last minute or put in a 50-hour week and then get asked to completely retool everything I've done, or Steph will unknowingly disappoint me, or insert any of the myriad other little injustices (to me) that collide with my formerly-uncomplicated life, and I'll get into moods like this, or something else along those lines, and I'll feel the tiredness, and I'll feel it deeply. And then I'll start asking the why questions, the ones that have answers that, deep down, I probably don't want to hear. And don't get me started on all the choice reactions that pop into my head when I feel like I'm getting shafted.

Why do I bother depressing you with this? Because you feel that way, too, and as much as I tend to berate myself internally for responding emotionally to things the way that I do, things like this serve as a reminder that I'm not a the only one who's ever felt unappreciated, taken advantage of, or unloved. And it's important, because left to myself I'll feel like a chump for getting upset over these things.

Probably the hardest phrase I have heard this year was "handle it right." Troy laid that little beauty on us at a staff meeting back in February, and man, it sucks. That little phrase right there firmly puts all of the responsibility for how I interact with the world on me. Someone disappointed me? Handle it right. She hurt me? Handle it right. So much easier said than done, but like Troy said, and I am trying to internalize this, the only person who can keep me from the destiny God has for me is me, and as long as I handle it right, He'll be with me, and I will always be okay.

...and no, I'm not going to end this on a positive note. I'm still working through the frustrations of the day, and besides, I always end on a positive note. You guys can handle my whining for one post.