3 Months later...

We are now three months into my unannounced blog hiatus.
I've been asked a couple of times about it since November, but really didn't feel a need to explain since it seemed like it would only be a temporary lapse.
Now that I'm fairly certain that it's going to be a while still before you hear from me in blog form, here's a short answer so that you're not put in the dark unnecessarily.
Simply put, I haven't blogged because I'm not really convinced that at this moment, I can do it to a level that would add sufficient value to my readers.

In the limited time I devote to this blog, I think I've done okay, but I know that if this had a little more direction, a clear focus on something more useful to everyone out there than just me and my opinion, it could be really great.

Oh, there's plenty to talk about, all kinds of wonderful things going on, and my mind and heart are as engaged in the journey as ever, but in light of all the great minds and wordsmiths in the blogosphere far wiser and more focused that I could ever be, it seems a little pretentious to me to be meandering along every three days racking my brain to figure out a witty post title on a Wednesday morning when there are so many other places out there that are saying pretty much the same kinds of things I am.

I've just started realizing lately that I'm better off spending what little time I have getting better at what I'm called to do, rather than doing something because everyone else on staff is doing it (Now would be a good time to note that I don't mean to say that no one should have a personal blog, just that for this moment in my life, it no longer feels like the best use of my time). I'm not always this disciplined in other areas of my personal development (I've got leaders in my life who are nodding as they read this), but everyone's got to start somewhere.

You may see more here one of these days with a new header or a different direction, but for now, consider me on a blog hiatus.

Thanks for visiting.

-mo

Thanks, Mr. Spencer

It's an emo night...I can feel it. Sometimes it just hits me, this mentally-and-emotionally drained kind of frustration with where things are at the moment. Even Heroes had that kind of Ecclesiastes kind of vibe to it, all the characters running around trying to make a difference and never really getting anywhere (and what was the deal with Peter starting to use Sylar's power and attacking his own mother like that? Craziness!). Guilty pleasures aside, it's the Dip, as Seth Godin puts it.
The only reason I mention it is because I frequently need to be reminded more than I need to be informed when times like these come around, and posts like this one help keep things in perspective for me. You should definitely check out that link and see his site if you haven't...I just quoted the whole post here because I liked it. If I've still got this blog when I've gotten over the self-consciousness of baring my soul on the internet, you'll be seeing more of this kind of honesty in the stuff I write. At the moment, though, I can totally identify with what he's saying.

Some Christians love to talk about the sins of Obama or gays or the mainstream media, but get really animated when I suggest we need to talk about our own, even if they are listed in the Bible dozens of times.

If the Gospel isn’t grabbing you by the real sins in your real life, just exactly what is the Gospel doing for you? Or you with it?

I don’t like the fact that I can give a really good talk on prayer when I rarely pray.

I don’t like it that I can read Matthew 5:23-24 and, as far as I can recall, never take a single step toward obeying it.

I don’t like that I can sin and then condemn someone else’s sin in almost the same breath.

I don’t like it that I’m convinced people need to understand me, but I take so little time to understand others.

I regret that I’ve spent so much of my life seeking to make myself happy in ways that never led to real happiness at all.

I don’t like it that I’ve accumulated so much stuff I don’t need, and I’m so reluctant to give it away.

It causes me real sorrow that I’ve said “I love you” far to little in my life, especially to the people I love the most.

I don’t like the fact that some of my students think I’m a hero, when I’ve done nothing more than be an unprofitable servant.

I hate the difference between what I know and what I do.

I hate the fact that I can use words like “radical” describing what others should do in following Jesus when I’m the first one to want to play it safe.

I don’t like that part of me that thinks everyone should listen to what I say.

I wish I could see myself as God sees me, both in my sinfulness and in the Gospel of Jesus.

I regret using so little of my life’s time, energy and resources for worship and communion with God.

I despise that part of me that always finds fault, and uses that knowledge to put myself above others.

I am embarrassed by the words I use that come so easily from the tongue but have little root in the heart.

I regret taking so few risks in the cause of living a God-filled life.

I despise the shallowness of my repentance for sin that has caused hurt and pain for others.

I don’t like that part of me that can make up an excuse, even lie, almost endlessly in the cause of avoiding the truth and its consequences.

I don’t like that I can talk of heaven in a sermon or at a funeral, but very little of me wants to go there.

I regret that I have loved my arrogant self far than I’ve loved my self humbled in Christ.

I regret that so much good advice, good teaching and good example was wasted on me.

But I am glad for the endless mercies of the Lord, and the amazing fact that those mercies extend to me, today and every day.

I am glad that Christ my substitute took this sorry life, pathetic obedience and lethargic worship and exchanged it for his perfect righteousness.

I am glad that the Holy Spirit is remaking and raising dead men- even at age 52.

I am glad that one day I will look at all these failures and regrets and they will have been transformed into the very glory of Jesus Christ himself.

I am glad that God has cast the very things I most dislike about myself into the depths of the sea and has removed them as far as the east is from the west.

I am glad that when I return in shame and embarrassment, my Father meets me running, covers me with his gladness and throws me a party in the presence of the naysayers and pharisees.

I am glad that Jesus takes these things I loathe about myself and says “It is finished. Come you good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your Lord. Today you will be with me in paradise.”

I am glad Jesus says “Before I have called you servant, but now I will call you friend.”

I am glad Jesus says “Who condemns you? There is now no condemnation because you are in me and I am in you. If I am for you, who can be against you? Go, and sin no more.”

I'm glad, too.

Si vous ple?, Part Two!

Okay, so last time I was digging through 2 Samuael 7  because it really spoke to what I was feeling after spending the evening at The Rendezvous, another college ministry that meets in town. I was thinking about it all and decided to blog it.

As a leader, I'm learning that my favorite people to work with are the ones who I don't have to chase after to get their job done. I would much rather redirect a person by giving minor course correction (or even pick them back up if they failed while trying) than to motivate someone who didn't have initiative in the first place, and I'm pretty sure that's one of those traits that God really liked about David.

Moral of the story: it's better to get out there and do the good you know to do than to wait on writing from the sky.

Si vous ple?, part one

Field trip! 

Tonight about 15 of us from Elevate piled into our cars and went to visit the folks over at The Rendezvous. They are a college ministry that meets at Trinity Church in Miami, and let me tell you, they are knocking that ministry out of the park over there.  Think 7|22 meets calle ocho.

What really got me fired up was the conversations I was able to have with the guys in leadership there.

If you were leading a group that in less than a year went from 40 to over 900, you might be tempted to put on some airs about you, and in some circles, that might be expected. What thrilled me was meeting a crew of people who were passionately committed to following God into what was, and in many ways still is, unfamiliar territory, while being totally aware of Who was really behind it all. I came away from our conversation inspired to run even harder after the potential that our own gathering has.

It got me to thinking of a passage I read this morning from 2 Samuel on the YouVersion app I downloaded to my iPhone yesterday (which will probably be its own post in the near future. Here's the synopsis: go and download YouVersion now).

It's the seventh chapter, and since I'll probably misquote it if I try to recite it from memory (don't look at me like that; you don't have it memorized either), you can read it here so that we're on the same page.

One of the things I love about David (besides him being a musician) is that he had initiative. He went after Goliath without waiting for word from a prophet, and he has that same gumption (I'm not from the South; can I  use that word?) later in his life when the time comes to build a temple. 

Granted, God stops him before he builds it, but what gets me is that God doesn't get mad at him for it. God doesn't put a wall in front of him, he redirects him. 

Interesting thought, huh?

I'll finish this one later...until next time...

A month and two days later....

Alrighty, I've had a good solid month to try to adjust to the nearly indescribably (for me, anyway) profound life change that happened on May 23, and so now it's time to get back into blog world and start writing about it.

Before I dive into that, though, here are a couple of relevant links I'd like to plug for you:

-All of the wedding pictures are now up at our webpage, so feel free to head on over there, comment, add to them, or download them. The URL is www.tinocosanchez.com.

-While this isn't strictly wedding-related, Steph and I do work with Elevate, the college ministry at Flamingo Road Church, and they happen to have a blog. Check it out!

Alrighty. So the big question is, "how was it?," the definition of "it" varying depending on whether I was talking to guys or girls (it's kind of funny how that works like that, isn't it?). For now, I'm going to define "it" as the entire experience (and I'll probably have to dedicate an entire post to just stories from the trip, because there were a ton of stories).

There were two things that I was aware of right from the start. One: life can and does operate on two separate levels, and Two: We choose what level it operates on.

Our ceremony was amazing, it really was, but as I'm thinking back now, I realize that for some people, it was just a ceremony. A slightly more important day on the calendar, but still a day.

We didn't approach it that way, mainly because we understood on what level we wanted to experience this day. We firmly believe that God was there, and that on this side of the trip, we are one, and as such, now relate together to God in a way that we didn't before we were married and had the honeymoon. But the way some people ask about it (a small minority, btw), one would get the impression that it was all about the honeymoon.

You see? Two levels.

It's a little trickier to see on "normal" days (as it there were such a thing), but the dynamic is there nonetheless.

And so, Jacob wakes up one morning and calls the place Bethel, because God was there and he didn't see it until just now.

And so, Moses turns aside to a bush that he may have walked past a thousand times, because now he notices that there is something profound going on.

Is it just a day, or is it something deeper?

Or is everything an accident?

This is how I think the rot settles into a marriage; everything turns provincial, and it stops being profound. 

And so, I'm trying to train myself to see life the way God sees it, to understand that the moments I live in have a purpose attached, and that the notion that any aspect of my life is somehow disconnected from what God is doing in this world is a selfish myth.

What level do you operate on?

Sam

Thursdays for me are always cool days in that I get to experience the novelty of actually putting my degree to work.

Most days are spent in media producer land, but on Thursdays I give saxophone lessons in the afternoon, and today I was reminded once again of why I love teaching.

Sam hit her first G above high F#, which officially puts her two notes into the altissimo range on her horn. On its own it's impressive, but in the context of the last six months of working towards something she's never done and seeing what seemed like little to no results for months on end, it's huge. And she's not even in high school.

Anyway, I mention it only to draw attention to the point of it all: persistence matters.

A Good Read

Every now and again, I find a good quote that I like to sit and marinate on for a bit, and occasionally - in my better moments - apply.

This week's quote is sponsored by the Christian Classics Ethereal Libray (notice the groovy link up there.)
Peep this:

Wherefore, if you see another sin openly or commit a serious crime, do not consider yourself better, for you do not know how long you can remain in good estate. All men are frail, but you must admit that none is more frail than yourself.

Some thoughts are able to find more traction in my head than others, and this is definitely one of them. Appropriately enough, the person who brings it to mind more often than anyone else is Stephanie.
If my fiancé has taught me anything, it's that I am way more selective in my personal application of Scripture (specifically in the area of good relationship practice) than I could have imagined before I met her.

For all you non-euphemism people out there, that basically means that I have lots and lots of room to grow. Maturity, Spiritual Leadership, Not sticking my foot in my mouth, you name it, and I probably need to work on it. Seriously, there's no cure for an overinflated estimate of yourself than spending large amounts of time with someone you're going to marry. It drove me nuts with frustration at first - I like getting things right the first time - but it's slowly starting to settle on me that learning how to love Stephanie is going to take at least the rest of my life.
This is a comforting (and slightly frustrating) thought.

The tricky part in all that, of course, is maintaining the understanding that I haven't arrived yet, and that I probably never will (not perfectly, anyway).
After all, the times I've landed myself in the worst messes were when I'd allowed myself to forget that. Which is why that quote is so helpful to me. I need reminders of my frailty, my tendency towards being Mr. Stupid rather than Mr. Right, not so that I'm beating myself down all day, but so that I'll be in the kind of frame of mind that will allow me to see and appreciate Stephanie for all that she is and even for what she isn't.
Knowing that I'm frail allows me to:

...approach her with gratitude, because I'm reminded that I'm hanging in here still by the grace of God and of Stephanie.

...focus on loving her PERIOD, rather than trying to "fix her" so she can love me better (which, by the way, doesn't work. Trust me.)

...realize that I need lots of and lots of prayer, because Mauricio is a bit of a dork and needs help.

...be ridiculously happy when I do get things right, because, now I know that it's proof of progress rather than a confirmation of how I think I have it all together.

Anyway, more on that later...the eyelids are getting heavy and I'm waking up in four-and-a-half hours to go get buff for my wedding.

Peace!

All I have is today

Sleepiness...I've been running hard today.
Here's what I was working on:



Pretty cool huh? Fast forward to a few hours later, where I'm sitting in the passenger seat with Steph's hand in mine, watching the highway lights race across the dashboard. I had a good chunk of quiet time during the 45-minute drive back from Steph's aunt's house in Homestead to remind myself of two things:

1) I have much less margin for error when it comes to my decisions than I did a few years ago; bad financial decisions then meant I just had to eat Peanut Butter and Jelly for a week or nab some side gigs for extra cash. No big deal.
Now, I'm saving for a wedding and a place to live now. Mistakes can hurt a lot worse now.

2) 12 daylight hours is not a whole lot of time. If I try to get all the good things done, I will certainly miss out on the best. It happens far too often for my liking, if I can be perfectly honest.

Tomorrow's goal? To make it count.

A.M. Devo

Hey gang,

I thought I would wake up early and join the A.M. devo at Troy's Blog, and to tell the truth, I was mainly going to capture some footage for the recap video this weekend (just being naked here, as we say), and of course, I got drawn in.
We're talking about insecurity this weekend, a topic near and dear to my heart.

Truth be told, the topic of what I think I can and can't do in Christ (as if my opinion was the foremost opinion in this area), and the wrestling match that ensues in my heart, is a recurring theme in my life. For some reason, my particular background and temperament has me wired in such a way that my tendency is to believe the lie that my worth comes from what I do.

Needless to say, I'm really looking forward to this weekend.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us...
-Marianne Williamson

Thoughts on becoming

“Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!"
Matthew 6:22-23

"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."
Matthew 12:33-37

I heard a quote once, and I can't remember where from. It goes like this:

"Right now you are becoming the person you are going to be for the rest of your life,"

or, put another way,

"Who I am is the result of the choices I have made."

I gave a talk on that in Elevate a few weeks ago and it tonight a conversation I had brought the thought to the fore in a big way. (Elevate is the name of the college ministry I help with at FRC. Sorry, no web page...yet, muahahaha)
Sometimes that's a really cool quote to keep in mind, especially when I'm on the verge of doing or saying something stupid (which, as my fiance can attest to, can happen quite frequently). It helps me to keep an awareness of this strong truth, that what I do and say matters, that my habits and routines form who I will be, and that the things I say and do now are either taking closer to the person God is forming in me, or farther away from it (Thanks toPastor Matt Miller for keeping that phrase in our collective sights each Tuesday night). A very cool quote indeed.


Tonight, though, it scared me.
Sometimes it's too easy to oversimplify and - especially - to judge when you're watching someone close to you make life-destroying decisions, but I believe that, handled rightly, can lend a certain amount of clarity about the kind of person you're dealing with.

The quote scares me, because I'm witnessing the end result of what happens when an individual makes the same kinds of choices over and over again, until the choices start to make them.
It's a wonderful principle when you've trained yourself in habits like discipline, selflessness, and concern for others.
It's horrifying when you witness the kind of Spiritual blindness that leads to the destruction of a marriage and suffering in the life of another, especially when it's justified by reasons like "he isn't romantic enough for me."
And he hasn't eaten for a week and barely sleeps and when he does it's because he's exhausted from crying.

The quote scares me, because this person has become who she is as a result of those choices. You can only justify darkness when you've been living in it so long that you've forgotten what light looks like.

The quote scares me, and those verses scare me, because this is my story.
Not the specific event, maybe not that bad (as far as surface-level things go, anyway), but the reality is that both her and I are broken, and all of us are capable of both great and terrible things. Not one of us is exempt from the need for the power of Christ to renew us on the inside.
I am just as capable of drifting far enough away so that up becomes down. All it takes is small steps away from the cross, short trips in the dark that become vacations from what I once knew to be right, so much wandering around in darkness that I forget what the light ever felt like.

Hearts can become calloused. Our choices matter.
And that's scary stuff.

I am counseled

Hooray for having a functional relationship!

Today was pre-marital counseling session number one for my beloved and I, and it went really well!
I mean, I was pretty positive from the start that it was going to be a good time, but validation is always nice, and that's how it went. I think my favorite part was Steph and I telling our story together again. It feels like it's been a while since the last time we got to share it together; that rush of emotional recall that comes with each telling reminds me of how special what we have really is. I was reminded of all of the fantastic coincidences (we call them divine appointments) that brought us together in a way neither of us could ever have planned, and it was a clarion reminder that we really are meant for each other.

We've talked before about our occasional doubts and the fears that tagged along when we made our decision to get married, and for someone who lives in his head as much as I do, who is as prone to dwelling and over-analysis as I am, those can be hard to dislodge at times.

Which is why I love nights like these, that remind me of the important things.

PS: While we're on the subject of relationships and important things, anyone in a serious relationship could definitely benefit from articles like this one.

I proably should keep this to myself...

2 AM can be a lonely time, I'm realizing...the problem with blogging when you're feeling tired or bummed is that because it's a snapshot of a particular moment, that emotion tends to kind of hold it's place and the experience is artificially drawn out for anyone following the blog (at least until a week goes by and I remember to post again).

This time of night is one of the few times when I'm able to really unpack and examine all of the little tangents my mind hasn't gotten a chance to really mull over due to the schedule I keep; unfortunately, tonight's going to be a bit of a downer. Just giving you fair warning.
You've caught me somewhere between simple melancholy and teen-angst (although it isn't severe enough to have me writing bad poetry. Count your blessings).

I caught Spiderman 3 tonight, and I think I was almost sure I didn't dislike it.
It was okay. Seriously, I really wanted to get enthralled by the plot. I gave it my best shot, honest; however, after having previously watched Tobey get his butt kicked all over the place in the other two movies (along with that one side of Spidey's face mask ripped off- only and always in the final battle. That's a rule), I think I walked into the theater a bit jaded to the whole experience.

(Oooo....Johnny Cash just made it on my play list..."Hurt," if you're curious)

Anyway, on the way home I thought about what that black suit might have represented. I know it's just a movie, but it got me thinking about all the times in the past few weeks where I've really felt like throwing in the towel on being good all the time (well, as good as I can manage to be, that is...). Not to the point of beating people up and making Stephanie cry, mind you, but all the same, there are times when I seriously wonder why I try so hard.

What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end

I probably-no, scratch that, I definitely - don't have the experience under my belt to even begin to know the full depth of that line, but all the same, a part of it resonates with me. That whole acceptance of the simple fact that people let us down. I let them down, and they let me down. Fact of life. And yet, cognitively knowing that still hasn't gotten me to the point where I can take it completely in stride.
I mean, I get tired sometimes. Ministry is tough. Relationships are tough. Not complaining. Just an observation.
And the truth is, there are times when I wonder if it's worth it.
Yeah, I know guys who work at church are supposed to be superhuman and all that, but let's table that for a minute and be real, because sometimes life feels like a raw deal. I'll get a video request seemingly thrown at me at the last minute or put in a 50-hour week and then get asked to completely retool everything I've done, or Steph will unknowingly disappoint me, or insert any of the myriad other little injustices (to me) that collide with my formerly-uncomplicated life, and I'll get into moods like this, or something else along those lines, and I'll feel the tiredness, and I'll feel it deeply. And then I'll start asking the why questions, the ones that have answers that, deep down, I probably don't want to hear. And don't get me started on all the choice reactions that pop into my head when I feel like I'm getting shafted.

Why do I bother depressing you with this? Because you feel that way, too, and as much as I tend to berate myself internally for responding emotionally to things the way that I do, things like this serve as a reminder that I'm not a the only one who's ever felt unappreciated, taken advantage of, or unloved. And it's important, because left to myself I'll feel like a chump for getting upset over these things.

Probably the hardest phrase I have heard this year was "handle it right." Troy laid that little beauty on us at a staff meeting back in February, and man, it sucks. That little phrase right there firmly puts all of the responsibility for how I interact with the world on me. Someone disappointed me? Handle it right. She hurt me? Handle it right. So much easier said than done, but like Troy said, and I am trying to internalize this, the only person who can keep me from the destiny God has for me is me, and as long as I handle it right, He'll be with me, and I will always be okay.

...and no, I'm not going to end this on a positive note. I'm still working through the frustrations of the day, and besides, I always end on a positive note. You guys can handle my whining for one post.

Sunday nights are fun

Hey gang, long time no see :)

This is a good moment right here...the end of a Sunday, the checkbook's balanced, my room's quasi-organized (I know where everything is now), I've made my list of things to do tomorrow (don't look at me like that. I'm not that anal. I probably won't get half of it done, anyway), and now I'm putting down this quick blog before me and my glass of blueberry-pomegranate juice go kick it with some reading before I knock out.

And if I sound like an old man, it's only because I'm practicing for marriage ;)
Seriously, though, for someone who spends as much time running full tilt at life as I do, times like these are a rare blessing.

And it just struck me again that I'm graduating on Tuesday. Tuesday! Graduating! Isn't that nuts? After all the delays, set-backs, detours, and near-quits, I'm walking the stage at the Pharmed Arena to shake hands with the dean I've spoken to once and the President I've never met of the university I'm not quite sure I totally disliked.
Six years. Sheesh...
When I think about it, it really isn't that long of a time, especially in comparison to-Lord willing- everything else I've got coming (I plan to live to be 120 at least). I think what makes it seem so huge is the sheer amount of life I managed to pack into those years.
More first times than I can bother counting right now, some good, and some I'll just say that I learned from :).
Lots of laughs. Many, many very stupid stunts that were definitely good ideas at the time (quarter stick of dynamite under a trash can in the backyard at FSU, anyone?). Lots of tears. A lot of wondering when I would finally meet Stephanie.
I could probably go on for a while, but I'll spare you the litany for now. What's really neat is being able to look back and see all the places where time and time again what seemed like unconnected and at times very painful coincidences were divinely knit together in a way that propelled me towards something better.
Times like these are a cool reminder for me of the really important things.

Okay, time to go read. Peace!

My sister, the wife

So my sister and Dustin are officially married, off on their honeymoon...what a wild thought; I remember our Middle School days when I used to embarrass her by obnoxiously pointing at boys she thought was cute ("oh, which one, sis? THAT one? Ow! Why'd you hit me??").
My, how time flies. Like Stephanie even said today, we've been engaged for four months already and it feels like I proposed yesterday. I strongly suspect that once we're both graduated in May and the actual nuts and bolts of the wedding planning begins that things will only accelerate even more.

Hmm...1 o'clock already. I guess I should get on with things so I can get some sleep before Easter Week officially kicks off for me tomorrow.

So anyway, back to Milena's wedding. In hindsight, I am struck firstly by how much everyone seemed to enjoy the event, despite the occasional lapses in certain areas I was sure would cause certain members of my family to completely flip out. As far as those go, Steph and I spent a good deal of time on the drive back to her house critiquing the things that needed to be critique and making notes of what we liked and what we would avoid (such as photographers who show up an hour and half late and forget to photograph half of the family, for starters), and what would could improve on. However, minor critiques aside, and independent of what anyone else might think or say, it has to be noted that my sister and Dustin had the time of their lives, and I know they'll be remembering the day fondly for the rest of their lives.

Despite all the headaches that cropped up in the days leading up to and even during Milena's nuptials (being a groomsman and the audio director and the video guy all at the same time is grueling work), I've still got to admit that I love weddings.
The symbolism and the sacredness of the ceremony, all the different layers and meaning behind everything done and said, fill me with a wonder that I can meditate on for hours and not get tired of. I love the fact that a span of time can be so packed with significance, so well leveraged and weighty. It's such a neat counter to the myriad influences in the culture around me that so often pull me towards the superficial.
Rob Bell once did a speaking tour which had for its title "Everything is Spiritual." I never got to hear the talk, but that tagline has been burning holes in my lobes for months since I first heard it. It's a phrase that brings more and more delight to me the more I think about it, and I think the reason it does is because I believe that everything is. Let me point to the opposite of that to illustrate what I mean.
Sometimes, when we don't want to think too deeply about why we did some action, we use the phrase "for the hell of it" to provide a reason for it. Think about this for a minute. What are we really saying? If that's true, if the reality is that there's really no reason or higher purpose behind what we were doing, then what we did was a complete waste of time, and we don't get time back once we've spent it.
I'm not arguing against youthful spontaneity or a simplicity that brings joy; the benefits of those things are obvious, but what do I think is a little sad is when I allow myself to think that the time I spend has no real significance, and in doing so, I miss the chance to enjoy a moment I'm never going to get back. The fact is (and I've said this before), I'm becoming the man I'm going to be for the rest of my life. On my wedding day, nothing is essentially going to change about me. For the most part, I will be the result of the choices I've made up that point. Scary thought, isn't it?

So here's why I love weddings: everything matters in a wedding. There's symbolism everywhere, if you're willing to look for it. The unity candle (or sand). The placement of the officiant in relation to the bride and groom. The wedding ring. These things point to something deeper, and I enjoy it because it's a reminder to me that the time I spend matters beyond this moment.
It's the reason Steph and I couldn't keep our eyes off each other as we stood across the aisle during the ceremony, knowing what it meant for Dustin and my sister and knowing what it will mean for us one day. Everything is spiritual. It's a phrase that reminds me that there is beauty in the mundane, and I'm glad for it, because I tend to forget that it's not all there for the hell of it. ;)

This moment

I'm the kind of person who tends to get really annoyed inside whenever I hear the words, "just wait until you're older, then you're going to _____," especially if the blank in question involves some kind of negative downturn my character or a feeling about some issue is supposed to take in x number of years.
I sense a lot of this in discussions I've had about marriage, as well as in my own personal observations of where certain couples I've met are in their relationships. I do have to be honest and add the caveat that the latter probably results more from my tendency to over-analyze everything rather than any overt displays on their part.
Still, I sometimes look at the lives of people around me and I think to myself, is this what they envisioned and hoped for themselves when they pictured this stage of their life from my shoes?
Sometimes I think they would answer a yes, or even a maybe, but a lot of times, I think the answer would be no, and this makes me a little sad.

Aaron and I had a pretty long discussion about marriage and sex tonight, and I found myself at one point lamenting at the impression I get that for a lot of guys who are married, sex becomes something that divides rather than unifies. I get the sense that we as a culture have boiled the whole thing down to pretty much just a physical release that we barter and perform for and in the process lose the wonder and the phenomenal mystery that comes with the idea of two people becoming one. The wonder and mystery part is something that I'm glad is very scriptural, because I feel it deep in my core that what Stephanie and I are building together and working towards is a holy thing. Having a deep conviction is a whole lot more fun when it's built on something solid.
As I look around, though, it's a bit saddening to see how cheapened and jaded this idea has become. I'm no researcher, and I could be 100% wrong about the state of marital unity in that area in our culture, but regardless of what the numbers were, the important thing for me was the conviction I feel from my core about this area of our relationship, and that is this: I do not under any circumstances want to lose the wonder and the preciousness and the sheer mystery of what oneness means both now as a single engaged person and what it will mean as a married person.
Now, before I start getting weird comments, no, Steph and I are not experimenting in this area, nor do we intend to. For my part, I'm still getting used to the idea that we can even talk about sex now (see, I even hesitated to write that last sentence), and it'll probably be a long while before I stop getting all nervous and fidgety when the topic comes up.

Anyway, all that to say this: I don't want to wake up next to Stephanie fifteen or twenty years down the road and realize that somewhere along the line I allowed myself to lose the wonder of what it means to be on the journey with another person. Aaron put it right tonight when he said "it's easy to start well. Anyone can do that. Not many can finish well."

Right now, in this moment, I know the kind of relationship I will have with my wife when I'm 84 and she's 82 (on November 8th, 2066), and I want to make the kind of decisions now that will allow that to be possible.

It's cool to be able to dream big dreams and know that they're really possible. I'll have a whole other post later about how this ties into ministry, because these thoughts have been flowing in that direction, too, but for now, I just want it to be in writing that I intend to love my wife, both now and forever, in the best way possible, in the way of Christ and in his power.

Mauricio in a three-piece suit

During my travels my travels today I came across a neat little article on NPR that has had me thinking all day. Earlier this week thinkchristian.net put out a link to the Top 5 Consumer Trends for 2007, which was both pretty neat and a little alarming, as it looks like American society is going to continue moving towards the shallow and superficial...sad, but not altogether surprising.

As I was saying, though, I was listening to the NPR report in my car and thinking about that consumer report, and it suddenly occurred to me that I actually have a decent grasp of the business world. It probably sounds dumb, but I just generally don't think of myself as having any kind of a bent towards the world of commerce, and that's mainly because I associate that with Cubicle World, and the thought of spending all day in a cubicle gives me the hives; however, it's also true that most of my time now is spent at a desk in front of a screen editing video, and I don't usually whine about that (unless it's Friday and I've been editing the same video for three days straight and am ready to poke myself in the eye or something, but that probably says more about me than about my job, anyway. My job is flippin' awesome). The thing is, I think that I could grasp it. I look over Stephanie's shoulder sometimes as she's studying, and I'm sometimes shocked that it's not as scary as I used to think it should be. I got to thinking that maybe my almost subconscious misgivings about entrepreneurship had less to do with lack of ability and more to do with a faulty paradigm I might have wandered into.

Along with all of that, I also remembered how Don Miller writes in To Own a Dragon that he will try to audit classes at universities just to stay sharp, because the brain is a muscle and needs to be exercised. In kind of the same vein, reaching our God potential is part of the reason we do ministry at FRC (helping other people reach theirs is the other side of that).

All those lines of thought coalesced into one weird thought (for me) tonight as I was sitting in Kyle's dorm after my Phi Mu Alpha meeting.

"Maybe I'll go back to school after I graduate"

Yeah, I know. I'm the guy who hates sitting in classrooms. And it's true that most of my college education felt like a waste of time (especially that last two-and-a-half years), and yes, I did give one of my professors that look when he suggested that graduate school was something that would fit me, but I dunno...after tonight the thought seems a whole lot less distasteful than it did before (and Stephanie liked the idea, so if it gets future-wife approval, I guess it can't be all that bad). In any case, I've got plenty of time to pray and mull it over.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get that master's degree after all...

Rumblin'

I'm down to the last here in Videoland. I've been hitting it pretty hard the last two nights; it's almost midnight now and last night I edited until about 2 o'clock...probably not the healthiest thing, but I love my job, and I really like the results of the late nights when they go up on the screen on the weekends. I won't lie to you, though; It is tiring sometimes.

When things get late and I'm by myself, my mind will oftentimes wander back over the day and inspect different moments, usually bringing to light some insight into what I should have said or how awesome it was that I did say that one thing (that latter reaction is admittedly not as frequent as I would like it to be). Tonight's pondering centers on what took place around lunchtime for me, and I'm still trying to figure it out.

I like to think of myself as a pretty level-headed, emotionally stable guy, and most of the time I think I am, but there are some things about me, certain patterns of feelings in me, that just plain distress me, and one of them is the reality that hit me once more today that I'm still wrestling with the pain of my parents' divorce. I got into a conversation with my Dad that should have been a non-issue, but seemed to be laced somewhere below with a network sub-conscious tension that really bothered me. It was one of those small phrases a person will say to you that will set off a domino of memories and suddenly, you're right back in that place that you thought you'd walked away from a long time ago, and the pain is as raw as ever.

I'm just being honest here. And not so you'll feel sorry for me, either, because that would be kind of self-serving and not all that helpful.
I'm putting it down because Brian mentioned something this afternoon that really helped me in the struggle I was going through; he reminded me that I'm not the only one who goes through this and that I wasn't a freak for still feeling the occasional ache from what was in fact a very painful experience for me.

I think there's got to be a point in the Christian life where you're able to mourn the things that hurt and to admit that it does hurt, because yeah, we know that Rescue is coming, and indeed, has already come, but our pains are a reminder that we're still walking around in bodies that are weak, and brokenness is never more than a reminder away.

I've forgiven my parents for everything, and told them so, but it still hurts sometimes, and I don't like that it does, because so many things are going so wonderfully right now and I honestly believe that God brought real good out of that difficult time. Sometimes I wish my theology could honestly include the idea that one prayer can instantly snap me out of whatever emotional murkiness I'm swimming through, but the motions of my heart remind me that it is in fact a journey, and one I'll probably be on for a long time.

So I do what I can: I wade through it, weeping when I can't hold it in anymore, singing hymns that bring comfort and reminders of my real home, and sharing it, because in doing so I learn that I'm not alone.

But it still hurts sometimes.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.