Rumblin'

I'm down to the last here in Videoland. I've been hitting it pretty hard the last two nights; it's almost midnight now and last night I edited until about 2 o'clock...probably not the healthiest thing, but I love my job, and I really like the results of the late nights when they go up on the screen on the weekends. I won't lie to you, though; It is tiring sometimes.

When things get late and I'm by myself, my mind will oftentimes wander back over the day and inspect different moments, usually bringing to light some insight into what I should have said or how awesome it was that I did say that one thing (that latter reaction is admittedly not as frequent as I would like it to be). Tonight's pondering centers on what took place around lunchtime for me, and I'm still trying to figure it out.

I like to think of myself as a pretty level-headed, emotionally stable guy, and most of the time I think I am, but there are some things about me, certain patterns of feelings in me, that just plain distress me, and one of them is the reality that hit me once more today that I'm still wrestling with the pain of my parents' divorce. I got into a conversation with my Dad that should have been a non-issue, but seemed to be laced somewhere below with a network sub-conscious tension that really bothered me. It was one of those small phrases a person will say to you that will set off a domino of memories and suddenly, you're right back in that place that you thought you'd walked away from a long time ago, and the pain is as raw as ever.

I'm just being honest here. And not so you'll feel sorry for me, either, because that would be kind of self-serving and not all that helpful.
I'm putting it down because Brian mentioned something this afternoon that really helped me in the struggle I was going through; he reminded me that I'm not the only one who goes through this and that I wasn't a freak for still feeling the occasional ache from what was in fact a very painful experience for me.

I think there's got to be a point in the Christian life where you're able to mourn the things that hurt and to admit that it does hurt, because yeah, we know that Rescue is coming, and indeed, has already come, but our pains are a reminder that we're still walking around in bodies that are weak, and brokenness is never more than a reminder away.

I've forgiven my parents for everything, and told them so, but it still hurts sometimes, and I don't like that it does, because so many things are going so wonderfully right now and I honestly believe that God brought real good out of that difficult time. Sometimes I wish my theology could honestly include the idea that one prayer can instantly snap me out of whatever emotional murkiness I'm swimming through, but the motions of my heart remind me that it is in fact a journey, and one I'll probably be on for a long time.

So I do what I can: I wade through it, weeping when I can't hold it in anymore, singing hymns that bring comfort and reminders of my real home, and sharing it, because in doing so I learn that I'm not alone.

But it still hurts sometimes.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

One day...

I will learn how to make the window my posts show up in wider...so far I haven't found an HTML primer on the web that isn't full of technical jargon I don't understand, but I maintain my hope that one day my blog page will be a little thicker around the mid-section.

Speaking of thicker around the mid-section, I found an article the other day that describes how a guy from Philadelphia lost 9 pounds just by playing the Nintendo Wii. I thought it was pretty cool when I read it, and so I mentioned it to Stephanie, who then laughed and implied that I was a nerd for knowing this. I patiently explained to her that no, I was in fact not a nerd, that the reality was that I just happen to be overly well-informed and I was merely attempting to fulfill my God-given mandate as the Spiritual Leader in our relationship by working to expand her horizons.

This didn't quite get the results I wanted, but at least my fiancé knows her man has a sense of humor.

At the show

UPDATE: I have been recently informed that we're only in the tentative stages of finding a date, therefore August of 2008 may not in fact be our wedding date. It might be as early as next January. It's a good thing I pay attention when my fiancé speaks.

Tonight I got to experience my very first bridal show! Hooray!
Actually, it wasn't as bad as all that. I know the stereotype is of the girls with stars in her eyes planning her dream wedding while the guy stands somewhere nearby with a big headache, but honestly, I had a pretty decent time. There was free food and tasting of wedding cakes, which will brighten any long trip through a building full of people trying to sell you stuff. We both took our moms along for backup (you know how we roll), and I'm pretty sure they had more fun than we did (the phrase of the night was "ooo, you guys should definitely have that in your wedding. And pay for it yourselves.")
I think my favorite part of all, though, was that Steph and I have decided on a wedding date! Yes indeed, we have made a decision and we're stickin' to that junk. And it's so easy to remember that even I can't forget it, and that's saying something:
August 8, 2008. 080808. Isn't that great? It's so us(and I honestly didn't mean for that to rhyme. In fact, I kind of want to go back and rewrite all that, but then this sentence wouldn't make sense, so I'm just going to sigh and forge ahead...). 777 it ain't, but it sure beats September 9 of 2009.

Anyway, that's the news for now. I'm sleepy and off to bed. By the way, if you happen to come across the album Ray sings, Basie swings in Starbucks or on emusic or something, you should pick it up. It will rock your socks off.

Holy cow

Jazz music rocks my flippin' world...that is all.

The long night of editing

It's definitely way past my bedtime, but unforeseen snafus in the the ol' editing suite will do that to you. At the moment I'm waiting for the final sequence to export to the sound of machine gun fire and the random loud taunt or shout here and there as Kyle and Joey play Rainbow Six on their two Xboxes in here.

I left Steph's house a few hours ago, and by now I's sure she's fast asleep. She called me earlier just after getting off from work, tired and exhausted; she'd had a rough go of it, so we made plans to eat some dinner. I bought her Chinese and sat with her and watched a bit of the movie Dance with Me (you know, the one with Chayanne & Vanessa Williams from back in the day). I spent most of my time making sure she didn't have to get up from the couch for anything, you know, refilling cups or taking dishes to wash as the occasion warranted.

I don't mention that in order to paint myself as some kind of saint (although, according to Scripture...never mind, I'll save that discussion for another day), because living with me is a whole lot different than being engaged to me. Just ask the people in my house when I'm in a grouchy mood. No, I'm nowhere near as altruistic as all that and I know it. The reason I work hard at serving Steph isn't because I'm a selfless person, it's because I'm very selfish and acting outside of those natural tendencies helps to make me into that kind of a person.

I'm reminded at the moment of the emphasis in Scripture on acting on what we believe and not merely talking about it (James 1:22). I like the gritty, hands-on nature of that kind of a life. It's true that we're becoming the people that we're going to be for the rest of our lives, so it follows that our decisions matter, that they have a certain amount of weight to them, even in the little ones we don't think really matter. Trails are made through repetitive use, and habits are ingrained by the same, so it makes a neat kind of sense that God would use our choices to form us into the kinds of people God is looking for.

All this leads to why I try to serve & sometimes spoil Stephanie as best as I can. My understanding is that in order to have the kind of relationship we want years from now, it means learning to become the kind of person for whom serving comes naturally, and aside from prayer and time spent reading Scripture, a good chunk of laying hold of that reality means building the kinds of habits into my life that will enable me to become that kind of person. Lord knows, I won't always feel like being the selfless romantic, but hopefully it will be in those times that I'll be able to rely on those habits I've built into my life in order to be the husband I'm looking to be one day, a la Ephesians 5.

Anyway, those are my random musings for the evening. My stuff's pretty much done, so it's just as well. I am so looking forward to getting some sleep!

So yeah...

It's a Friday night, and what am I doing? I'm sitting in front of computer screen in my office, writing a blog post. And you thought I was cool.
That being said, before you start flinging around flattering adjectives like "lame" and "workaholic," just know that I have a very valid reason for puttting in all the extra work, and it's going to be soooo worth it in about a week and a half. Vague enough for you?

Anywho, I was just about to type some more, but the stuff I was waiting to copy just did, so I'm off to get back to work.
More on my occasionally interesting life to come...

Sunday Sunday Sunday!

Lessee here...it's about 12:10 AM...which means that in 7 hours and 50 minutes I'll be onstage in Hallandale, warming up the ol' saxophone and the vocal chords. Exciting stuff. I probably sounded like a complete dork when Allen, our Magnification Pastor (think: overseer of everything related to the creative arts at FRC, including but not limited to music, stage design, tech, atmosphere, etc.) called me and asked me if I wanted to play down at the Hallandale campus. My voice jumped an octave or two, but I don't care, because I've been itching to spend a Sunday or two at some of the other places where we do our weekend thing.

By the way, if any of you reading this happens to be a saxophone player who likes to help lead worship on their horn, give me a call because it's a little lonely being the only one (sad face).

In other news, my arms and chest, especially the right side, feel like a sac of of potatoes that have been dropped down several flights of stairs. Not that I'm complaining. I was warned that the first week of hitting the gym will do that to you, so I had a pretty good idea of what was coming. I've just never been so painfully aware of the location of all the muscles in my torso before, that's all (and don't poke me, either. I'll whine and nobody wants to see that).

I'm still waiting for the High Def feed to finish exporting to the Doral drive*, so I'll write some more. Steph and I had dinner at Chili's tonight, which was pretty fun. We had a good time, swapping one liners with the waitress, talking about how great it was to be engaged, and poking fun at the group of guys across from us whose seemingly sole reason for eating at Chili's that night was to check out the waitresses' butts.

At this point I'm pretty stoked as to how we're doing morally. Most of that I think comes from the fact that we spend so much time around her family. I'd say the majority of our time (I can't really think of an accurate percentage for all you numbers people, but it's probably somewhere in the high 70s or 80s) is spent at her house either directly engaged with or just in the presence of, her family.
It also helps that they're so much fun to be around. It's especially great for a guy like me, whose background is so different. Most of the time I feel so out of place among the disfunction and disconnect that marks so much of my extended family, so it's a real breath of fresh air to be among a group of people who know how to resolve issues and be at peace with one another (for the most part). Plus, they treat me like one of their own.

The time we spend with her family really has gone a long way towards fostering a really good relationship between me and them and us and them and us and each other, which in turn is helping make the whole transition towards marriage that much easier for us, I think.

We do get some alone time, though. Steph and I go out on dates at least three or four times a week, be it lunch dates or walks or coffee, that sort of thing (we don't really do movies unless it's at one of our homes), and we're really good about finding chunks of uninterrupted time when we can unpack and really discuss the deep things.

I dunno, it's a neat balance, and I don't take it for granted. I'm sure if we put ourselves in the wrong situations, we'd probably be struggling with purity a whole lot more than we do, but I think we've managed to get to a place where we're trusting that the physical side of our courtship will figure itself out okay on the other side of marriage. I hope it stays that way, because as much as there's that part of me that wants to push that line (you know what I'm talking about), the sense of peace and simple innocence that marks this deal is the one of the most amazing feelings I've ever known, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Anywho, enough about relational stuff. Lately I feel like a broken record. Maybe I'll try to get in a fight with Steph next week so I can talk about resolving drama in relationships or something. I dunno....I'll figure something out...anyway, for now, I'm off.

*we put Saturday night's sermon on the screens the next morning at our other campuses. In order to pull that off, somone's got to cut together the video and put it in a format the other campuses can use. That someone is Kyle and I tonight.

as videos render...

Happy Thursday, everybody.

It's been a good day so far. I got myself a gym membership, have been getting a bunch of work done, and earlier today I got word that I've been assigned to play saxophone and do some lead vocals at the Hallandale campus this weekend, which is pretty sweet. I've been wanting to go jam down there with Paolo and those guys for a while now, so it is going to rock. Added bonus, I get to sleep in Saturday since their rehearsals are Sunday mornings. Yey!

Alrighty, my stuff is done rendering...I shall return...

My first day off

Today I struck a blow on workaholism by having an actual day off...I had almost forgotten such a thing was possible, but sho' 'nuff, for one entire day, I managed to not do anything specifically ministry or work-related. I went to the gym with Stephanie, ate good food, prayed, slept for a while, wrote some messages to people that I haven't talked to in years, hung out with my roomates (which hasn't happened in some time) and in general took time to unwind and occupy my brain with something other than the list of all the things I have to get done this week.
It took me a good long while for me to really get behind the notion that having a day of rest really is a biblical concept, but I think I managed it okay. Like Rob Bell so eloquently put it, today was a day for me to remember that it doesn't all depend on me, that the universe will not fall apart if I am not running like a caffeine-addicted hamster on a wheel. Good stuff, my friends.

Insert thoughtful title here

It's very very late, so I'm not going to write much...

Steph and I attended a beautiful wedding tonight, which was especially unique because it was our first one as an engaged couple. We had a great time picking each other's brains throughout the evening, commenting on how we liked that detail or talking about how we wanted to incorporate this other one here, etc.
It is quite an amazing and almost unbelievable thing to me that I should be in the engagement that I'm a part of. I am absolutely floored by her presence in my life. There's not a much better way I can think of describing what's in my heart than this. The world owes me nothing. God definitely doesn't owe me anything. I did nothing to earn this. Yet here I am, walking beside a person who in so many ways is a walking picture of grace in my life (an incredibly hot walking picture of grace, I might add). I literally have a better view of the God I love that I wouldn't have had if I'd never met Stephanie.
When she tells me that she chose me, it reminds me that Christ chose me first.
Sometimes my eyes will find her across a room and suddenly it's like everything else stopped existing for a moment, and it's a reminder that I am the apple of God's eye and He loves me even more than that.
All I can do is love her the best I know how. I can't change her, can't force her to respect me (and if I were to try I would look like a complete idiot). All I can do is love. Her response is not up to me. All Christ does is love me, and invites me to respond.

Yeah, I said I wouldn't write much, but I got on a roll. It's really a neat thing how you could spend some really solid chunks of time unpacking all of the ways a courtship, an engagement, or a marriage can illuminate and deepen a person's walk with Christ (which is I guess why the church if called a Bride)

Anyway, none of this is new and is probably all written in books by guys much smarter than I am, but all the same, the joy of it for me is discovering it all for the first time as I take these steps with Steph.
Okay, now I'm going to bed for real

thoughts on crossing over

I am so tired right now.
I think the only reason I'm still awake is because I'm still trying to process everything that happened tonight, and because my body is still trying to cope with all the massive emotional currents that were dragging me all over the place.

I'll make this the short version, and then maybe after I get back from camp (which I leave for in about 3 hours) I'll write more (which is sounding suspiciously like one of those New Year's resolutions that I won't follow through on).

There is news, and the news is this: tonight I asked Stephanie to marry me and she said yes.

Man, I really wish I were the kind of knock-out writer who had the kind of talent to get across how amazing this really is for me, how much of an undeserved, mind-blowing act of grace just her presence in my life is. I want to be an 80-year-old codger with her at cracker barrel, holding hands and talking about how much our 15 grandkids kick everyone else's grandkids butt.

I think, and I'm going to be really honest here, one of the things that excites me the most about this next journey is the opportunity to have a better marriage than some of the ones we've seen, to prove by God's grace that a marriage lived by God's design is possible and is better than anything else out there. It's going to be hard, I know it. There are probably times when she's going to want to knock me flat on my rear. Plus, how many really marriages do you see now adays that really make you stop and say, man, I wish I had that! (as a side note, I work at a place surrounded by guys who have been in the race for years and still got it goin on with their wives, so I'm not implying that successful marriages aren't out there)

Then again, we're almost a year into our courtship with zero guilt, no marks of impurity, and the full involvement/approval/joyful participation of her family (who also happen to be the most well-adjusted group of people I've ever met who were related), among other things.

Anyway, all that to say that I'm not trying to pretend like we're Supercouple and will never disagree, but mainly I want to reiterate the beauty of hoping for something you've never seen and pursuing a dream because it is beautiful, true, and of God. You live your life wondering if something is possible, wondering if a person can really experience something better than what they've been handed.
So you pray about it, and the hands of God open and it's better than anything you every could have conjured on your own. It's worth following God. It really is. Purity has been an adventure, has opened doors of intimacy and joy in our lives that we couldn't have found any other way. I wouldn't trade my story for all the sex in the world.
I'm a failure, and yet God chooses me and walks with me and writes me into His story...yeah, I'm definitely floored and I don't care who knows it.

I'm also a liar, because what the heck am I still doing typing, I need to get some sleep!

good night.