Rumblin'

I'm down to the last here in Videoland. I've been hitting it pretty hard the last two nights; it's almost midnight now and last night I edited until about 2 o'clock...probably not the healthiest thing, but I love my job, and I really like the results of the late nights when they go up on the screen on the weekends. I won't lie to you, though; It is tiring sometimes.

When things get late and I'm by myself, my mind will oftentimes wander back over the day and inspect different moments, usually bringing to light some insight into what I should have said or how awesome it was that I did say that one thing (that latter reaction is admittedly not as frequent as I would like it to be). Tonight's pondering centers on what took place around lunchtime for me, and I'm still trying to figure it out.

I like to think of myself as a pretty level-headed, emotionally stable guy, and most of the time I think I am, but there are some things about me, certain patterns of feelings in me, that just plain distress me, and one of them is the reality that hit me once more today that I'm still wrestling with the pain of my parents' divorce. I got into a conversation with my Dad that should have been a non-issue, but seemed to be laced somewhere below with a network sub-conscious tension that really bothered me. It was one of those small phrases a person will say to you that will set off a domino of memories and suddenly, you're right back in that place that you thought you'd walked away from a long time ago, and the pain is as raw as ever.

I'm just being honest here. And not so you'll feel sorry for me, either, because that would be kind of self-serving and not all that helpful.
I'm putting it down because Brian mentioned something this afternoon that really helped me in the struggle I was going through; he reminded me that I'm not the only one who goes through this and that I wasn't a freak for still feeling the occasional ache from what was in fact a very painful experience for me.

I think there's got to be a point in the Christian life where you're able to mourn the things that hurt and to admit that it does hurt, because yeah, we know that Rescue is coming, and indeed, has already come, but our pains are a reminder that we're still walking around in bodies that are weak, and brokenness is never more than a reminder away.

I've forgiven my parents for everything, and told them so, but it still hurts sometimes, and I don't like that it does, because so many things are going so wonderfully right now and I honestly believe that God brought real good out of that difficult time. Sometimes I wish my theology could honestly include the idea that one prayer can instantly snap me out of whatever emotional murkiness I'm swimming through, but the motions of my heart remind me that it is in fact a journey, and one I'll probably be on for a long time.

So I do what I can: I wade through it, weeping when I can't hold it in anymore, singing hymns that bring comfort and reminders of my real home, and sharing it, because in doing so I learn that I'm not alone.

But it still hurts sometimes.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.