thoughts on crossing over

I am so tired right now.
I think the only reason I'm still awake is because I'm still trying to process everything that happened tonight, and because my body is still trying to cope with all the massive emotional currents that were dragging me all over the place.

I'll make this the short version, and then maybe after I get back from camp (which I leave for in about 3 hours) I'll write more (which is sounding suspiciously like one of those New Year's resolutions that I won't follow through on).

There is news, and the news is this: tonight I asked Stephanie to marry me and she said yes.

Man, I really wish I were the kind of knock-out writer who had the kind of talent to get across how amazing this really is for me, how much of an undeserved, mind-blowing act of grace just her presence in my life is. I want to be an 80-year-old codger with her at cracker barrel, holding hands and talking about how much our 15 grandkids kick everyone else's grandkids butt.

I think, and I'm going to be really honest here, one of the things that excites me the most about this next journey is the opportunity to have a better marriage than some of the ones we've seen, to prove by God's grace that a marriage lived by God's design is possible and is better than anything else out there. It's going to be hard, I know it. There are probably times when she's going to want to knock me flat on my rear. Plus, how many really marriages do you see now adays that really make you stop and say, man, I wish I had that! (as a side note, I work at a place surrounded by guys who have been in the race for years and still got it goin on with their wives, so I'm not implying that successful marriages aren't out there)

Then again, we're almost a year into our courtship with zero guilt, no marks of impurity, and the full involvement/approval/joyful participation of her family (who also happen to be the most well-adjusted group of people I've ever met who were related), among other things.

Anyway, all that to say that I'm not trying to pretend like we're Supercouple and will never disagree, but mainly I want to reiterate the beauty of hoping for something you've never seen and pursuing a dream because it is beautiful, true, and of God. You live your life wondering if something is possible, wondering if a person can really experience something better than what they've been handed.
So you pray about it, and the hands of God open and it's better than anything you every could have conjured on your own. It's worth following God. It really is. Purity has been an adventure, has opened doors of intimacy and joy in our lives that we couldn't have found any other way. I wouldn't trade my story for all the sex in the world.
I'm a failure, and yet God chooses me and walks with me and writes me into His story...yeah, I'm definitely floored and I don't care who knows it.

I'm also a liar, because what the heck am I still doing typing, I need to get some sleep!

good night.